We’re all currently stuck inside without much to do or anyone with whom to do it.  We can feel the stir-crazy a-creepin’ so you might want to take some basic precautions to deal with early-onset cabin fever.  Here are a few suggestions—some fairly standard and some a bit more off-color—to cope with the loneliness and come out relatively well-adjusted on the flip side of the coronavirus apocalypse.

  1. Movies with Friends

I’ve been re-watching a parade of stupid, classic comedies with my brothers and cousin, and it’s been a blast.  Thus far, we’ve done Hot Rod with Andy Samburg and Curb Your Enthusiasm and have Old School, Animal House, and possibly Ferris Buehler’s Day Off on deck.  Many of you may know this by now but Netflix now has a Google Chrome plug-in (Netflix Party) where you can add friends and watch movies together.  It’s a good way to feel like you’re not alone when you’re just watching comfort-food movies.  On an entirely different note, I strenuously suggest that you avoid watching movies like Contagion and Outbreak.  That was not my finest coronavirus idea.  Does no one any good to jump into the deep end.  Keep it light, keep it breezy people (note: I definitely did not watch High School Musical last night on Disney+).

2. Flourishes Matter

Sure, you’re probably going to end up eating the same boring-ass sandwich or bland pasta dish about 20 times over the next few weeks.  So why not get creative during your weekly visits to the grocery store and buy some jalapeños, peppers, or maybe even some maple syrup (or even start your own conglomerate)?  A little spice goes a long way.  Experiment.  It may be fucking disgusting the first couple times.  But at very least it’ll be interesting.  Something to divert you and take your mind off of the monotony.  And you’ll eventually get it right after a certain amount of trial and error.  I can attest that cardamom in pancakes was an epic fail.  But the jalapeños and cream cheese in my grilled cheeses—magnifique!

3. Exercise Daily

You need to move.  It doesn’t matter if you can’t leave your house, you need to stay active in some way to keep your body from atrophying and to keep the endorphins flowing.  Pro-tip: endorphins make you feel good (which my dad, God bless him, discovered at the ripe young age of 70).  Normally, you might walk to work or even to the subway.  You would be walking up and down flights of stairs or maybe just walking to the break room.  Many of us are largely sedentary now, confined to our houses or small apartments.  Again, you need to move.  You also want to feel good about yourself during these trying times; I imagine it would be easy to get down about our appearance when we can’t leave home to get our hair cut, our nails done, or our kiwi face peels.  But don’t fret, there are plenty of easy, cheap ways to maintain your fitness levels without any equipment at all.  Check out the app SWORKIT Pro for Apple or Android; it costs $3.99 on the app store and requires zero equipment.  A yoga mat is all you really want, but I’ve used the app without it numerous times in hotel rooms or even, appropriately, on lockdown while in Haiti and the Central African Republic.  You may have to clean up a lot of sweat, depending on the activity of your glands, but it will all be worth it when the time comes to…

4. Find a Sexting Buddy

Again, you want to look your best, but it might also be nice if someone else noticed.  I (nor I imagine you) am not immune to compliments.  So, if all the single ladies (and gentlemen) maybe decide to scroll through the ole contact list and drudge up a long-lost friend who might also be longing for virtual companionship, who are we to judge?  Someone else might be lonely and seeking attention as well.  Look, I’m not recommending that you get back together with your ex or rekindle an old flame.  Making impactful, emotional decisions during times of crisis doesn’t seem like a recipe for success.  You’re not trying to forge a serious, long-term relationship here, nor looking for a life-mate, you’re just looking for some innocent (or not) diversion during those long, lonely nights.  As long as you both know the stakes involved and understand the terms.  You don’t have to video chat, but that certainly couldn’t hurt as well.  We all like to believe that someone else is thinking of us, and if you’re single and living alone right now, as I am, then the additional attention from the opposite (or same) sex can’t hurt.

If you do have a significant other, then hopefully you’re sorted, and this provision doesn’t apply to you.  Hopefully, you and are your partner are cognizant of each other’s emotional and physical needs in these trying times.  If you aren’t sorted or satisfied for one reason or another, now is not the time to go looking elsewhere.  Shelter-in-place and your cheatin’ heart are not even remotely compatible.  In fact, I can’t imagine a more uncomfortable situation than discovering some sort of infidelity while being forced to stay with that person for an unspecified amount of time.  War of the Roses x2.

5. Quality over Quantity

Let’s be honest, you’re probably drinking (or smoking, or both) to deal with the residual stress from the coronavirus apocalypse.  You’re not alone.  Well, you’re likely drinking alone, but not alone in the grander, universal, we’re-all-in-the-same-proverbial-boat-together sense.  And if you’re going to be drinking, I recommend that you opt for quality over quantity.  Sure, we could all probably put down a sixer of Bud Light or your local swill every night if we so chose.  But wouldn’t it be nicer and more enjoyable to have a really smooth stout, or a creamy ale, or a crisp red?  I’m not an IPA guy but if that’s your poison, knock yourself out with some hoppy goodness.  Or sit down with two fingers of a delicious bourbon or well-aged whiskey.  But maybe don’t overdo it.  Stick to the good stuff and you’ll only need a drink or two.  And we won’t all emerge from this fiasco as raging alcoholics with liver damage in addition to our compromised lungs and newfound social anxiety.

Well, that’s all the pseudo-sage advice I can muster for one night.  I’m sure you guys have some excellent quotidian as well as some perhaps slightly off-color suggestions of your own as well.  I’d love to hear them.  How are you guys coping?  What are some strategies I can lift from you?  Stay well, stay safe, keep your distance, and keep your sanity.  Hugs and kisses friends.