Having now moved to sixteen different foreign countries for various lengths of time, I suppose that this feat qualifies me as a relative expert on the subject.  Whether for a professional experience or personal boondoggle, there are certain axioms and guidelines that have served me well in my travels, which I have had occasion to put to the test yet again in Ecuador over the last five months.  As always with advice from me, this will be somewhat of a “do as I say, not as I do” proposition; though I sincerely try to adhere to these rules, I often fall short.  So without further ado, I offer you a late Christmas present/early New Year’s regalo/cadeau/presente: a list of three things to do when moving abroad and a companion list of three practices to avoid where possible.

The Best Three Things You Can Do When You Move Abroad

  1. Make mistakes, forgive yourself, and then make more mistakes

Most of us are not perfect practitioners of the language of the country to which we are moving, nor are we versed in the local customs and traditions.  Taking risks and making mistakes is a natural part of learning, but we’re more loathe to make them as we grow older and the fear of offending someone or looking foolish grows in us.  There’s a reason that it’s easier to learn to speak a foreign language, to ski, or to swim when we’re young, other than our higher degrees of neuroplasticity or pliability: we’re not as painfully self-aware or petrified of making mistakes.  We attack languages like we attack black diamonds when we’re younger, with a sense of invulnerability and carelessness.  When we’re older, we feel like we should have mastered certain basic local elements, customs, or rituals that are second nature for natives but inherently difficult for foreigners.  It’s like learning to swim as an adult (I imagine); the strokes never quite feel natural.  It’s why I’m still a shitty salsa dancer—I hate to look or feel foolish at a skill at which the locals naturally excel and I should have long ago learned (see, I told you to do as I said but not as I have done—this will be the year, I keep telling myself, that I take salsa lessons).

  1. Get used to being uncomfortable

Moving abroad is all about managing subtle yet persistent discomfort.  Little things, like paying a bill, getting an ID card, or navigating a byzantine health care system, are made exponentially more difficult by foreign language and custom.  Social norms and niceties are often confusing.  Is it one kiss or two?  Do I use tu or vous or tú or usted in this situation?  And even these rules change from country to country that use the same language.

The good thing about being a gringo or a mzungu is that locals will generally give you wide latitude to screw these things up (except the French—heaven forbid you use tu instead of vous with their grandfather, because they will never let you fucking forget it).  So you essentially have a grammatical get-out-of-jail-free card, as long as you’re willing to try to converse and make mistakes.  And I’ve found that people genuinely appreciate when you attempt to speak their language, sample their foods, and try on their culture.  Most people really enjoy sharing their cultures and customs to showcase them to foreigners.  So take a bite out of that weird fruit,[1] join hands on the dance floor, and try to pronounce those seemingly unnatural sounds that your tongue refuses to make.  If nothing else, you’ll have a good laugh and so will the locals.

  1. Say Yes

There are always reasons to justify why we decide not to do something about which we’re unsure: safety, comfort, fatigue, expense, time, effort.  I would suggest that the single best thing you can do when you move abroad is to simply say yes to the vast majority of requests/offers you receive (from reputable sources, of course—probably don’t go down that back alley with a big wad of visible cash after an invite from that sketchy looking individual).  If you are like me and you make an effort to meet people, they will invite you to various unfamiliar places and events.  Say yes to the bullfight (even if you decide later you find it offensive, as I did).  Say yes to the hike, even if you’re not a hiker.  Say yes to the local cuisine.  Locals, I’ve found, really want to share their culture, but they may not ask twice.  When they do, take advantage of the invite and see what they want to show you.  Chances are, it’s something you wouldn’t have found yourself, and your local friends certainly know better about where to find the tastiest tostones, the most delicious pisco sour or caipirinha, or the best hole-in-the-wall dance bar or club.  It’s so very easy to Netflix and chill alone on a Friday or Saturday night after a long week of work—don’t be that guy (or girl).  With a greater array of entertainment options at our disposal, it’s so easy to watch Netflix, Amazon, or Hulu from anywhere in the world.  And it’s even easier to FaceTime your friends at home, or WhatsApp call your love interest back home.  Put down the cell phone, the iPad, or the laptop, slide on your tight-fitting jeans, and put your ass out there.  Then shake it all about.

Three Things to Avoid in Your New Country

  1. Put the Phone Down

Once you do finally muster the nerve and energy to go out and explore the town, put your cell phone away.  Nothing says “leave me the fuck alone” like someone vigorously pecking away at their iPhone at the bar.  You’ve already made the effort to gussy yourself up, spray on that new intoxicating cologne or perfume, and get your coiffure just right.  Now put it to good use and talk to people.  The old-fashioned way.  Face to face.  It’s the most natural thing in the world to want to look busy and occupied while sitting alone; you don’t want to seem odd or awkward.  So you pull out your phone and scroll through Instagram.  Again.  But you’re not going to learn a lot about your new home if you’re constantly WhatsApping with your friends back home.  It is a decided comfort and the fact that you can be part of group chats and still stay up with current culture through streaming services and news updates is reassuring, but you’re in a different country—you want to appear approachable.  You want people to strike up a conversation with you.  I’ve taken a lot of shit for my love of Israel.  And while I acknowledge its many imperfections and flaws, the gregariousness and amicability of the locals are not among them.  I have had so many great conversations at cafes, restaurants, and bars simply because I was sitting alone, where strangers struck up a conversation with me upon hearing my accent.  But I had my phone in my pocket.  And was open to talking with people and hearing about their experiences and perspective and sharing my own.

  1. Don’t Hold Out for a Soul Mate or a New Bestie

You’ve undoubtedly heard the tired aphorism that the perfect is the enemy of the good.  It’s really hard to meet people with whom you are perfectly in synch or instantly simpatico, anywhere in the world.  And this is even truer when your natural friend pool is smaller by virtue of living in a new country.  It can take months in a new place, or it may not even happen in a few years’ time.  In the meantime, eschewing good, nice people with whom you have fun but aren’t perfectly compatible with is a recipe for loneliness.  If you’re lucky enough to find a pantheon friend right away, consider yourself enormously fortunate.[2]  But be ready to hang out with and share memories with people who may not become your best friends.  You’re much more likely to go out and experience all the wonderful things your new country has to offer if you have some solid wingmen (or wingwomen) who won’t leave you for a shot at Viper.  It’s just more fun to do things in groups.  So go to that dinner party or join that Meet Up.  Go play trivia with the guy who annoyingly thinks he’s always right (that would be me).  But try to ease up on your friend requirements a bit because you have to make more allowances for the different types you’ll find abroad.  And maybe you’ll find that you really like and click with some of these seeming étrangers after a few nights on the town or days exploring the country.

  1. Don’t Sweat Money, Go Forth and Conquer

When you’re living abroad, the opportunities for travel seem endless but can also be quite expensive, depending on the region in which you’re living.  This is certainly true for South America, where I’m currently living, as the demand for flights is lower, causing routes to be more limited and airline prices accordingly higher (the same goes for Africa, unfortunately).  If you live in Europe, however, you have no excuse for failing to take advantage of the numerous budget airlines and innumerable, desirable nearby destinations.  But these vacations and jaunts to the near-abroad can easily add up and dig into your savings or paycheck.  Still, assuming that you have permanently relocated abroad (like the global nomads among us), you will have limited time and opportunities to see your corner of the world.  I would counsel you to take advantage of each and every occasion to venture forth, even if it’s more budget-friendly local travel.  You will not regret these trips, nor remember the expenses occurred in taking them (well, maybe when you’re paying back that credit card), but you will remember the different countries, flavors, experiences, and people you encountered along the way.  And if you’re prone to making questionable decisions or have a certain affinity for risky choices, you’ll have a quiver full of stories with which to amuse your friends at cocktail parties for years to come.  What better return on investment could you possibly hope for with your hard-earned dollars or spare change?

As I mentioned, while these are all solid rules to go by when living abroad, some are more difficult to abide by than others.  I am absolutely guilty of choosing a Bojack Horseman marathon over going out on a Friday night from time to time.  Or surfing the local Tinder waves rather than doing the more difficult work of establishing solid local friendships.  But these guidelines have served me well over numerous countries and continents, and it’s my hope that they can do the same for you.  Living abroad has certainly changed my life and my perspective, and I’d certainly recommend it to anyone seeking a change or a new adventure.  If you don’t believe me, hop on a plane to Ecuador and come pay me a visit.  Before I head off to number seventeen, that is.

 

[1] Unless you have an unpredictable, potentially-fatal food allergy, in which case you might want to exercise a bit more caution.  You know, so as not to die.

[2] I had such good fortune after two months in Rio and after only one month in Shanghai.  But less luck in a number of other places.  So it goes.